Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
