So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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