the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
