Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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