once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
