i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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