he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
