you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
