Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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