Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
