dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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