I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
