it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
