I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You are a genius and a whore.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
