Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
