So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You smell like stripper and shame
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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