Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
