I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You can't just leave with hair like that
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
