remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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