We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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