I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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