well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
