I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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