I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
