Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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