I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
