good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
