the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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