Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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