it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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