I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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