I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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