At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize