Yo dont text me then not text me
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
