I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
