I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
