I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
