my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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