tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
