my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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