Kareoke will never be a sober sport
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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