At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
