So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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