I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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