My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
