pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
