everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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