So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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