Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
