I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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