No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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