john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
