he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize