He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
