I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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