Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
