i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
