one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
