He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
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