I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
